Last night I slept with Bakery Boy for the first time in four years.
Military life has always disrupted our shared sleeping time through the years. But in 2010, he left for year long deployment to Afghanistan. Up until that time, we shared a bed and a bedroom. He left and I found myself sleeping in a king size bed all alone. It was lonely. I piled all the extra pillows on his side just to make it seem like he was there.
About a year before he left, I was diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome. It is an annoying autoimmune disease. When it's flares I can sleep a lot. So we struggled to sleep for a number of reasons before deployment. We also needed a new mattress. But days moved on and deployment preparations took all of our time.
He left and my sleeping alone journey began. While I missed him, I found sleeping alone very healing for me physically. A few months into the deployment I purchased a new mattress. I purchased a memory foam mattress…a nice one. I chose it because it came in a box and we live in a 100 year old house with a bugger of a turned staircase. I loved the mattress. And, wow, did I sleep. I started to feel really good. I was also very excited for him to return and sleep with me!
He returned. He was excited about me but not very excited about the mattress. He couldn’t roll over easily. I thought he needed to give it a chance. One thing was new… he seemed to be snoring more than he ever had before he left. We were concerned. Post deployment, for a number of reasons, required him to sleep with a loud fan. We decided he needed to have a sleep study. No sleep apnea. He then went to an ENT. Our ENT even said he didn’t present for sleep apnea but he did have a bad deviated septum. That was not new news to us. He then went to an allergist. And there we found our problem. His only allergy was dust mites. The allergist said dust mites like memory foam the best. Not only did I buy a memory foam mattress, but memory foam pillows, as well. So we covered everything in expensive dust mite protection. But our sad journey continued. No sleep for either of us and my Sjogren’s was beginning to flare again.
For some reason, he slept in the guest bedroom one night….probably because he just wanted sleep. And there he stayed. But we both started to do better and feel better. We were getting sleep. He occasionally slept in my room and me in his if the kids came home for a visit. But for the most part, he now had his room and I had mine.
While we were happy with feeling good, neither of us were very happy about the situation. But we weren’t sure what to do. A new mattress seemed like the obvious solution except our steps seemed to be a huge hurdle. Not everything goes up our steps because of that turn. And the post deployment oddities continued. It was causing some other problems that made me actually thankful, at times, he was sleeping in the other room.
I have never been afraid to mention to anyone we slept in separate rooms. People show their shock and sadness. They wonder if we are okay…is our marriage okay? Our kids started to express their concern. They were convinced sleeping in separate rooms would lead to our demise and eventual divorce. I would explain why… mattress, deployment, reintegration, PTSD, back injury, his need for a loud fan speed that plasters me against the wall, etc. To say this as politely as I can, there are different kinds of sleeping together. We have only not been sleeping with our eyes shut in the same bed. But we are really good with all the other kinds. ;)
I am married to my best friend. We knew we could weather this storm even if we never shared a bed again. We talked often about how we weren’t happy with the situation entirely. But we were happy with our quality of sleep we were both getting. And we were both healing. He is finally better from deployment. And I’ve had more energy than ever. But we miss each other though the night. Before deployment, we would often drift off to sleep touching feet…it’s our signal everything is good between us. I would often wake to him gently rubbing my back good morning. It’s his way of wishing I would be a morning person and wake up and talk to him right away…. Kisses goodbye always happened even if I didn’t know it or remember it.
Well, he left for annual training three weeks ago. We decide before he left we were too lonely. It was time for a new mattress for us and time to try and sleep together once again. I picked out a new coil mattress and ordered it. I gave my memory foam mattress to our son number four and painted and cleaned “my” room. I was gone for a bit so I didn’t need a mattress. Then I slept in his bed for four nights last week and I was miserable. I ached and I hurt. He returned last Saturday and we attempted to share his full-size bed since our mattress hadn’t arrived. I ended up on the couch. Five nights with little sleep for me. He announced he had slept better on his air mattress the previous weeks than in his own bed. I called and cancelled the order for the mattress and we drove to Des Moines in high pursuit of the perfect sleep for us for that night. We purchased a mattress not knowing if we could get it up the stairs but we were feeling determined.
With the help of four of our sons, who came running quickly to help, we got that king size mattress up the steps…slightly smooshing it as they went …and on our bed frame. We were so exhausted we curled up and tried it out for a nap. And it was good.
New sheets and comforter set later, we settled into bed and slept well together for the first time in four years.
He did bring his woobie with him from his room….that’s a blanket that soldiers woobie cold without… it’s slippery and camouflage. I had a security blanket when I was growing up. My Gram used to make me leave it on the side of her bed when I used to climb in….I was tempted to tell him he could climb in but leave the woobie on the floor…. He knows my Gram story. He also saw one of my eyelashes flutter that first morning and started asking me questions right away …… We still have some sleeping and waking etiquette to relearn but I think we’re going to make it.
Touching toes once again....
God Bless,
Veggie Girl
