Kids.... this is the story about your dad and I not sleeping together

Last night I slept with Bakery Boy for the first time in four years. 

Military life has always disrupted our shared sleeping time through the years. But in 2010, he left for year long deployment to Afghanistan. Up until that time, we shared a bed and a bedroom. He left and I found myself sleeping in a king size bed all alone. It was lonely. I piled all the extra pillows on his side just to make it seem like he was there. 

About a year before he left, I was diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome. It is an annoying autoimmune disease. When it's flares I can sleep a lot. So we struggled to sleep for a number of reasons before deployment. We also needed a new mattress. But days moved on and deployment preparations took all of our time.

He left and my sleeping alone journey began. While I missed him, I found sleeping alone very healing for me physically. A few months into the deployment I purchased a new mattress. I purchased a memory foam mattress…a nice one. I chose it because it came in a box and we live in a 100 year old house with a bugger of a turned staircase. I loved the mattress. And, wow, did I sleep. I started to feel really good. I was also very excited for him to return and sleep with me!

He returned. He was excited about me but not very excited about the mattress. He couldn’t roll over easily. I thought he needed to give it a chance. One thing was new… he seemed to be snoring more than he ever had before he left. We were concerned. Post deployment, for a number of reasons, required him to sleep with a loud fan. We decided he needed to have a sleep study. No sleep apnea. He then went to an ENT. Our ENT even said he didn’t present for sleep apnea but he did have a bad deviated septum. That was not new news to us. He then went to an allergist. And there we found our problem. His only allergy was dust mites. The allergist said dust mites like memory foam the best. Not only did I buy a memory foam mattress, but memory foam pillows, as well. So we covered everything in expensive dust mite protection. But our sad journey continued. No sleep for either of us and my Sjogren’s was beginning to flare again. 

For some reason, he slept in the guest bedroom one night….probably because he just wanted sleep. And there he stayed. But we both started to do better and feel better. We were getting sleep. He occasionally slept in my room and me in his if the kids came home for a visit. But for the most part, he now had his room and I had mine. 

While we were happy with feeling good, neither of us were very happy about the situation. But we weren’t sure what to do. A new mattress seemed like the obvious solution except our steps seemed to be a huge hurdle. Not everything goes up our steps because of that turn. And the post deployment oddities continued. It was causing some other problems that made me actually thankful, at times, he was sleeping in the other room. 

I have never been afraid to mention to anyone we slept in separate rooms. People show their shock and sadness. They wonder if we are okay…is our marriage okay? Our kids started to express their concern. They were convinced sleeping in separate rooms would lead to our demise and eventual divorce. I would explain why… mattress, deployment, reintegration, PTSD, back injury, his need for a loud fan speed that plasters me against the wall, etc. To say this as politely as I can, there are different kinds of sleeping together. We have only not been sleeping with our eyes shut in the same bed. But we are really good with all the other kinds. ;)

I am married to my best friend. We knew we could weather this storm even if we never shared a bed again. We talked often about how we weren’t happy with the situation entirely. But we were happy with our quality of sleep we were both getting. And we were both healing. He is finally better from deployment. And I’ve had more energy than ever. But we miss each other though the night. Before deployment, we would often drift off to sleep touching feet…it’s our signal everything is good between us. I would often wake to him gently rubbing my back good morning. It’s his way of wishing I would be a morning person and wake up and talk to him right away…. Kisses goodbye always happened even if I didn’t know it or remember it.

Well, he left for annual training three weeks ago. We decide before he left we were too lonely. It was time for a new mattress for us and time to try and sleep together once again. I picked out a new coil mattress and ordered it. I gave my memory foam mattress to our son number four and painted and cleaned “my” room. I was gone for a bit so I didn’t need a mattress. Then I slept in his bed for four nights last week and I was miserable. I ached and I hurt. He returned last Saturday and we attempted to share his full-size bed since our mattress hadn’t arrived. I ended up on the couch. Five nights with little sleep for me. He announced he had slept better on his air mattress the previous weeks than in his own bed. I called and cancelled the order for the mattress and we drove to Des Moines in high pursuit of the perfect sleep for us for that night. We purchased a mattress not knowing if we could get it up the stairs but we were feeling determined. 

With the help of four of our sons, who came running quickly to help, we got that king size mattress up the steps…slightly smooshing it as they went …and on our bed frame. We were so exhausted we curled up and tried it out for a nap. And it was good.

New sheets and comforter set later, we settled into bed and slept well together for the first time in four years. 

He did bring his woobie with him from his room….that’s a blanket that soldiers woobie cold without… it’s slippery and camouflage. I had a security blanket when I was growing up. My Gram used to make me leave it on the side of her bed when I used to climb in….I was tempted to tell him he could climb in but leave the woobie on the floor…. He knows my Gram story.  He also saw one of my eyelashes flutter that first morning and started asking me questions right away …… We still have some sleeping and waking etiquette to relearn but I think we’re going to make it.

Touching toes once again....
God Bless,
Veggie Girl

I just couldn't do it...

We are nearing Bakery Boy's good 20 years in the National Guard. He enlisted in 1986 three months before we married. I was naive and really had no idea what we were signing up for. In fact, I was so naive I didn't know we were signing up...I just thought he was enlisting. He wanted to be a soldier. He had always wanted to be a soldier. Honestly it was better that I was naive. I was in love and ready to be married. And six months after we married, I was pregnant with our first son, Brady, and he was leaving for basic training. I remember thinking...wait, you have to do what? for how long? did they say that when you signed up? I was sooooooo green and naive.

Leaving him at the airport that day was the toughest emotional thing I had done at that point in my life. But time passed, he came home, and saying welcome home was amazing. I can't say it was the best because by that time I had given birth, with my mom by my side, to Brady...and that was the best thing ever. But showing our first born son to him for the first time..back in that same airport..was very special.

He served 12 years... out of Boone and then into the 1/113th Cav out of Johnston..and he wore the red bull patch. He was a radio operator. And I learned one weekend a month and two weeks of the year were to be spent with the kids and he would miss many, many life events. And goodbyes were tough but welcome homes were amazing.  Time apart can be a good thing for marriages depending on what you do with that time.

Well, at the twelve year mark his second enlistment was up. We were swamped with five young sons and life. We made the decision he would not reenlist. It was tough but the right thing at the time. He missed going to Kosovo with John. He felt huge regret. Six years later, after 9/11 and job loss and all kinds of things... he said, "I am reenlisting." I didn't say much. He didn't ask for my opinion. No matter what my thoughts were, I knew when he came home with all his gear once again, he was in the right place. My Bakery Boy is a soldier and has always been a soldier. He had switched MOS earlier to an NBC specialist. And that's what he reenlisted as but this time in the 671st...with an eagle patch as an E5. Seemed odd to see those in the closet.

Our marriage was very rocky at that point. We had been through too much for one marriage to handle....sick kids, job loss, loss of our home... He had to go to PLDC in Nebraska. We fought or we were silent all the way out. I dropped him off without much of a goodbye and wondered if we could pull it together. But I credit those weeks with saving my marriage. We both had the opportunity to see what it would be like without the other. And I decided, I would fight for my marriage and lay down my anger towards him. He came home and was promoted fairly quickly to an E6. I did that pinning but, honestly, I was still in my naive mode and I'm not sure I truly understood the significance and the work we had put in so far. But had I punched him then..I might have not stopped...it was such a maddening time in our marriage.

How I got to the point we are today in our marriage is another story...but we both had to lay down our anger and swords. It's a good thing we did when we did because in 2009 he received word he was deploying to Afghanistan for a year. That goodbye is one I will never forget. I can still feel the last kiss he planted on me. And saying goodbye after his two weeks of leave...worst heart-wrenching goodbye ever. He came home, along with our son, Brady, safe...and that welcome home is the most emotional thing I have ever experienced.

We have spent the last three years readjusting. Deployment taught us both a lot. He immediately started working on schools and promotions. During the last year he was gone for three months of training. And, finally, yesterday I pinned him as an E7..a Sergeant First Class. Our timeline is what it is..he would have reached this sooner had he not gotten out. But this time I knew and was not so naive...and I was pinning him and myself..our whole family. We all worked hard and pulled our weight to get him to this point. Except I couldn't do it.....

You see...I couldn't punch him, slap him, whatever... on his new rank.... I get it. It's what they do. But we've been through so much hurt already. I just had to leave it up to a couple of other soldiers.... and hopefully the next time he sees Brady..his son can do it. He'll finish the job as he's a fellow soldier.

Somebody asked me recently when he was going to be done. I said, "He'll be done when I say he is...." and we shared a chuckle. My mindset is different now. I'm not naive. We will know when the time is right and we will make the decision together. For now we keep walking through open soldier doors.

He may be a soldier but I am a National Guard wife and mother.

No emotion and don't look me in the eye...but I did..couldn't help it...he kept his soldier on

 I am receiving instruction to slap him..make it heard..he is grinning...a couple soldiers asked if they could do it...yep..but we apparently didn't get pictures?

And changing his cover

Such a conflict of emotion.....Bakery Boy pinned Brady a little while back.... did he punch my son? neither one has ever said. 

Thank you for all the support...we can't do this as a family without everyone's love and support. Oh...and he's back in the cavalry in communications... 1/113th. All is right...see that bull on his shoulder?

Love,

Veggie Girl