I just couldn't do it...

We are nearing Bakery Boy's good 20 years in the National Guard. He enlisted in 1986 three months before we married. I was naive and really had no idea what we were signing up for. In fact, I was so naive I didn't know we were signing up...I just thought he was enlisting. He wanted to be a soldier. He had always wanted to be a soldier. Honestly it was better that I was naive. I was in love and ready to be married. And six months after we married, I was pregnant with our first son, Brady, and he was leaving for basic training. I remember thinking...wait, you have to do what? for how long? did they say that when you signed up? I was sooooooo green and naive.

Leaving him at the airport that day was the toughest emotional thing I had done at that point in my life. But time passed, he came home, and saying welcome home was amazing. I can't say it was the best because by that time I had given birth, with my mom by my side, to Brady...and that was the best thing ever. But showing our first born son to him for the first time..back in that same airport..was very special.

He served 12 years... out of Boone and then into the 1/113th Cav out of Johnston..and he wore the red bull patch. He was a radio operator. And I learned one weekend a month and two weeks of the year were to be spent with the kids and he would miss many, many life events. And goodbyes were tough but welcome homes were amazing.  Time apart can be a good thing for marriages depending on what you do with that time.

Well, at the twelve year mark his second enlistment was up. We were swamped with five young sons and life. We made the decision he would not reenlist. It was tough but the right thing at the time. He missed going to Kosovo with John. He felt huge regret. Six years later, after 9/11 and job loss and all kinds of things... he said, "I am reenlisting." I didn't say much. He didn't ask for my opinion. No matter what my thoughts were, I knew when he came home with all his gear once again, he was in the right place. My Bakery Boy is a soldier and has always been a soldier. He had switched MOS earlier to an NBC specialist. And that's what he reenlisted as but this time in the 671st...with an eagle patch as an E5. Seemed odd to see those in the closet.

Our marriage was very rocky at that point. We had been through too much for one marriage to handle....sick kids, job loss, loss of our home... He had to go to PLDC in Nebraska. We fought or we were silent all the way out. I dropped him off without much of a goodbye and wondered if we could pull it together. But I credit those weeks with saving my marriage. We both had the opportunity to see what it would be like without the other. And I decided, I would fight for my marriage and lay down my anger towards him. He came home and was promoted fairly quickly to an E6. I did that pinning but, honestly, I was still in my naive mode and I'm not sure I truly understood the significance and the work we had put in so far. But had I punched him then..I might have not stopped...it was such a maddening time in our marriage.

How I got to the point we are today in our marriage is another story...but we both had to lay down our anger and swords. It's a good thing we did when we did because in 2009 he received word he was deploying to Afghanistan for a year. That goodbye is one I will never forget. I can still feel the last kiss he planted on me. And saying goodbye after his two weeks of leave...worst heart-wrenching goodbye ever. He came home, along with our son, Brady, safe...and that welcome home is the most emotional thing I have ever experienced.

We have spent the last three years readjusting. Deployment taught us both a lot. He immediately started working on schools and promotions. During the last year he was gone for three months of training. And, finally, yesterday I pinned him as an E7..a Sergeant First Class. Our timeline is what it is..he would have reached this sooner had he not gotten out. But this time I knew and was not so naive...and I was pinning him and myself..our whole family. We all worked hard and pulled our weight to get him to this point. Except I couldn't do it.....

You see...I couldn't punch him, slap him, whatever... on his new rank.... I get it. It's what they do. But we've been through so much hurt already. I just had to leave it up to a couple of other soldiers.... and hopefully the next time he sees Brady..his son can do it. He'll finish the job as he's a fellow soldier.

Somebody asked me recently when he was going to be done. I said, "He'll be done when I say he is...." and we shared a chuckle. My mindset is different now. I'm not naive. We will know when the time is right and we will make the decision together. For now we keep walking through open soldier doors.

He may be a soldier but I am a National Guard wife and mother.

No emotion and don't look me in the eye...but I did..couldn't help it...he kept his soldier on

 I am receiving instruction to slap him..make it heard..he is grinning...a couple soldiers asked if they could do it...yep..but we apparently didn't get pictures?

And changing his cover

Such a conflict of emotion.....Bakery Boy pinned Brady a little while back.... did he punch my son? neither one has ever said. 

Thank you for all the support...we can't do this as a family without everyone's love and support. Oh...and he's back in the cavalry in communications... 1/113th. All is right...see that bull on his shoulder?

Love,

Veggie Girl